Aho Man
by justgivingmytwoshekel'sworth
Summary: Hachiman's chancely encounter with a group of friends let to the development of friendship, rivalry, and romantic interests
1. Chapter 1

Hachiman was one day chasing Komachi down the streets because she disposed of his manga collection.

Suddenly a flash.

The flash becomes visible. It is a qt3.1 4 blonde girl.

Hachiman blushed. 'Twas love at first sight.

"Ano!" He spoke like a virgin.

"Ore wa o chin chin ga daisuki nandayo!"

"Kyaaaaaaa! A real life yaoi!" Sayaka blushed.

"Ehhhhhhh?"

"No I'm not gay! Unless you mean I'm gay for you."

Sayaka finally understood what Hachiman meant.

She beamed at him. His heart doki doki-ed.

"Hnnnnnnnnng," He moaned at her diabetes inducing smile.

Then he leaned closer.

Sayaka blushed.

Fuck I've been practicing this pick-up move for ages so don't you dare backfire on me, thought Hachiman.

"Hey babe, wanna hit the school cafeteria?"

"Why are you not hitting on her perflat body instead!" Suddenly, a girl with brown hair tied in a ponytail appeared.

"Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayaka! A new boyfriend eh?"

"And who might you be!" Hachiman was slightly annoyed by her sudden loud presence.

"Ahhhhhhhh, I am the love-meister Yoshiko. I see you wanted to claim Sayaka amirite? Wanted to pull her panties off and do lewd stuff with her kitty ehhh? Kyaa! What a pervert!"

"Uruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusei!"

Hachiman finally lost his patience. He grabbed Yoshiko by the collar and hurled her so hard that her clothes ripped off from his hands.

"Wahhhhhhh, Akkun! This guy is a real jerk!"

Akkun?

Hachiman saw another guy standing with the two girls.

"Shut up bitch! Maybe if you ain't acting retarded this shit would not of happened."

The guy suddenly approached Hachiman.

Uh oh, is he her boyfriend? Fuck I gotta find a way to escape.

The guy raised his right arm, and then shook hands with Hachiman!

"Wow u hit her harder than I ever did, I can see that you are /ourguy/."

"No problem. Anyways, what is the name of the blonde girl? She's a huge cutie."

"Nigga you got no shame lol saying that shit out like that, especially when she's still around."

Sayaka is now blushing a deep red.

Hachiman softened. He never felt so happy before.

"Sayaka, I see. How kawaii, Sayaka, you are truly an angel."

"I would like to bury my face in your angel wings and sniff the scent of heaven."

Fuck! Hachiman chided himself. That pickup line is not going to work! In fact, that shit made him come off as a real pervert!

Sayaka, puzzled by that line, tilted her head slightly, as a question mark appeared on top of her head.

Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng.

Hachiman feel the need to come clean all the more compelling.

"Ano- Sayaka, we may have only met for a short time, but I think I'm... Uh... I'm..."

"I want a banana!" Yoshiko interrupted Hachiman as she sprang back to consciousness.

this bitch must die. THIS BITCH MUST DIE.

So, before his final confession, Hachiman raped and strangled Yoshiko to death.


	2. Chapter 2

It was one week past.

After raping and strangling to death Yoshiko, Hachiman relied on Sayaka's rich ass to bail him out.

Now he's free of all charges. Oh, and he's also going out with Sayaka now.

He confessed to her in the evening, where the color of the sky is at its most romantic.

"Ano- here's a poem dedicated to you,

Roses are red

Africans are brown

I want to kiss you everywhere, up and down…"

Hachiman covered his face. What the fuck is he saying?

Sayaka, however, was moved to tears. She covered her mouth as tears trickled down her face, which is blushing redder than a Neanderthug under the sun.

Awkward silence ensues.

Sayaka leaned in closer to Hachiman, then took both his hands, as she interlocked her smooth fingers with his.

Hachiman tried his best to hide his boner! But after tucking his balls in between his legs, he managed to conceal it quite well.

"Nobody ever complimented me like that! All they ever did was see me as a child!" Sayaka sobbed into Hachiman's chest, her warm breath damping his shirt.

Once again, Hachiman tried hard to contain that raging member of his.

"It's okay, it's okay, everything will be DAIJOUBU."

Hachiman never had any experience with comforting a girl, so he doesn't know how to approach her.

Should I just let it be? But fuck is this position tiring! And what if she gets bored of it and leave? Fuck I gotta do something!

First thing first, he needs to find a better place. There are people staring at him in public. And he swore he saw a white-haired individual ruefully staring at him at one point.

Judging by Sayaka's petite figure, it seems as though he could easily carry her.

So, he carried her princess style. Sayaka momentarily paused her sniffling.

Fuck did she not like it?

Plus there is one more problem— Sayaka's tears mixed with sweat has completely drenched Hachiman's clothes. And the wet sensation pressing against his body caused his nipples to become erect.

What now?

Just then, he caught sight of Akkun walking a dog. Akkun blushed slightly as he saw Sayaka buried in Hachiman's chest.

"Yo nigga I need your help!"

Hachiman recounted everything to Akkun.

"Kek! My sides! You are truly a beta. Is this why she's crying?"

"Yo this ain't the time for jokes man! Problem is, she couldn't stop crying! And I wanted to bring her to a more secluded place…"

Hachiman slapped himself at that dumbass statement. Dafaq is he even talking about?

Sayaka loosened her grip on his shirt. Hachiman looked down. That girl has fallen asleep.

Sayaka whimpered lightly as a sudden breeze shook her body.

Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng.

That scene was so pure that even the steely-made Akkun found himself knees weak mom's spaghetti.

"Fuck now she's asleep, making it harder for me still…"

"Why not just piggyback her? You can take her back to your house, if it is anywhere near."

"Fuck no! I ain't prepared for that! This be too much for me to handle!"

"Okay I will carry her then."

"Never mind forget what I said."

With Akkun's assistance, Hachiman mounted up Sayaka onto his back. Sayaka's light breathing on his neck sent shivers down his spine.

And finally, his boner came to view for everyone to see.

"Yo niqqa hurry the fucc up outta here smf mofo!" Akkun was embarrassed af. They quickly hurried back before the lolicops be arriving in them cadillacs.

Back at Hachiman's house.

Komachi was chained to her bedpost. It was a week past and Hachiman was still holding a grudge against her for destroying her manga collection. She was deservingly whipped and strangled on a daily basis, and left with just enough food and water for survival.

Once she saw Hachiman bringing Sayaka back, she sobbed.

"Please Onii-chan! Please don't kill me! I know you wanted to get done with me and replace me with her as your sister, but please! I'm on my knees pleading for your mercy! Don't kill me!"

"Shut up bitch! See if I don't fucking kill you!"

Hachiman raised his left foot. However, before he could stomp, Akkun grabbed him by his wrist and squeezed hard.

"Itai! The fuck are you doing nigga?"

"Yo, dumbass, yo better let that fair maiden go. Release her now, or else I'm going to bring Sayaka back to her house."

"Fuck no!" Hachiman screamed. "Okay, know what? I ain't give a fuck, here, Imma release you," Hachiman said as he freed Komachi.

"But if you ever do shit to my stuff again Imma fucking tear off your jaw! You hear me?"

Then Hachiman punched Komachi in the gut.

Then he got hurled across the room and pinned against the wall!

"Listen here, you misogynistic maniacal moron, I do not tolerate your shameless lack of respecc for our Queens, especially such a fair and elegant lady, whoever she is—"

"She my sister."

"And is that how you treat your sister? Smh nigga u make me sick. You should be beating latino ratchet hoes, not our own Queens! Faggot sellout, go reflect in a corner while I check on your sister."

"Yo nigga chill tf out your entire face is red."

"Ayo gtfoh man…"

Then Komachi jumped into Akkun.

"Kyaaaaaa what are you d-d-d-d-doing!" Akkun stuttered.

Then Komachi sobbed in his chest saying how Hachiman was a monster over the past few days.

"It's okay, everything will be fine. Perhaps you can stay in my residence from now on, since your bro is too much of a cuck to acknowledge your splendor."

"Reeeeeee Akkun and Komachi sitting on a tre G!"

"Yo nigga dafaq yo nine? Anw thanks fo telling me she be named Komachi."

"Komachi, you are a cute one. My heart doth soften under thy gaze."

"Wow that's so much development that we have apparently forgotten about Sayaka." Hachiman broke the fourth wall.

Sayaka was still asleep. With her sweat drenched body sticking to her skin, her boobs stuck out like a sore thumb, or, to be more anatomically accurate, a sore pinky.

Hachiman had to resist all his urge not to steamroll his hands across her plains.

"Ayooo nibba I know whachu had in mind. Truth be told I is tempted to do this shit too."

"Shietz I have never felt a girl's breast before except that twin-tailed cunt's, and that was literally against my will," Akkun confessed. "But then again you would probably not consent to this, so… I guess this would do!"

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa," goes Komachi as Akkun fondled her tits. "Mmmmmm delicious flat and soft, every trait I wish to see in a girl."

Komachi blushed hard at his compliment. She tried to resist Akkun, but this only turned him on more.

He picked up Komachi's petite body and declared, "we're going for a ride!" before dashing off to what Hachiman presumed to be his house.

"Sure let him rape Komachi all he wants, I have a literal perfection sleeping right in front of my very own eyes. Hachiman could his his strong nigga self softening up as him emotions more homosexual the more he stared at Sayaka.

"Ah, so lovely, heaven doth blesseth mine unworthy eyes with such a fresh image of adolescent. I shall hereby seal her every nooks and crannies and plaster it to my eyelids. O Sayaka, I know not what potion thou hadst fed me, and, for better or for worst, I do hope its effect lasts in me for eternity still."

"Ano— Hachiman…"

"Woah woah woah nigga how dafaq wuz yo nawt sleep? Yo what tiem yo wake up man? Yo be scarin the shit outta mine ass!"

"Wow your tone sure changes quickly," Sayaka giggled.

Hachiman went speechless. His demeanor changed.

"You know what, I hate myself." Hachiman muttered softly as he scrambled out of the room. Outside the balcony, Hachiman was hunched precariously across the ledge.

"Fuck was I thinking."

"Fuck everything. I knew I was no match to her."

"To even think of having the most remote of chances with her. Fuck was I thinking."

"Fuck fuck fuck." Hachiman uttered out each word, hitting himself in the head each time. Tears began flowing from his soulless eyes. He wiped his tears away, then resumed his punches.

"The ground looks so inviting from up here."

"I guess I should just go—"

"Stop!"

The sudden interruption of his thought process shook Hachiman out of his depressing soliloquy. Sayaka was standing by the door, her face darkened with emotions. As she slowly approached Hachiman step by step, he could feel sweat dropping off his cheeks.

Soon, she was towering over Hachiman, almost coming into contact with his body. Hachiman could feel himself burning up as she continued to inch closer.

She looked at him in the eyes.

"I heard everything."

"Why."

"Why would you do this to yourself?!"

Sayaka started crying.

"Do you know how much you mean to me? You were the one who saved me from killing myself! One week ago, I was planning to slice my wrist after reaching home. You will never understand how much that slut Yoshiko and her mom had tormented me! You literally saved my life, for goodness sake, and now you think I will let you go for trying to harm yourself? Nooooo! I am the one suffering the most from your pain!"

It was Hachiman's turn to let loose his emotions.

He pounced on her and bawled into her chest.

He continued bawling for half an hour while Sayaka gently stroked his hair. "It's okay, let it all out. You will feel better eventually. Don't try to hold it in like I did, else you are just going to land in the same situation as me." However, not even Sayaka's soothing words were powerful enough to calm him down.

Soon, fatigue overtook him and Hachiman slumped against Sayaka's body and fell asleep.

In his dream, Sayaka is happily married to him. They have built a beautiful cottage in a picturesque countryside. As Hachiman sat on his lawn chair, gazing upon the starry envelope of the night, he reached out his right hand to Sayaka, who was sitting right beside him (no pun intended). Sayaka, whose left hand had been preoccupied with her bulge, slowly shifted away from her body and into Hachiman's warm, inviting hand.

Three years have passed since the day of their official union, and not a single day has gone by without their love for each other diminishing in the slightest bit. The times they had together as a couple were the best times in their life, as they gradually let go of the unpleasantries in their past lives. While two makes company, they were nevertheless all too happy to welcome a third into their cottage in half a year's time.


End file.
